Social relationships
Do they use their devices for two-way communication, staying connected to friends with whom they have genuine, meaningful relationships?
One-way viewing (Instagram, Facebook) with acquaintances may promote anxiety and depression, does not deepen relationships, and may be taking time they could be investing in genuine social connections. But if they are using their devices to stay connected to good friends who live far away or just have different schedules, that can promote genuine, satisfying social connections.
Developing identity
Do they use their devices for genuine exploration that can only be done on a screen, like investigating interests that must be virtual or learning computer programming? Or is their device a time-consuming escape or distraction?
Teenagers are supposed to be learning in deep ways about their own interests and abilities. This requires a lot of exploration and experimentation and a considerable amount of failure. Any activity that consumes a lot of their time without deepening their meaningful knowledge of their interests and abilities will interfere with discovering their actual identity.
Managing anxiety or distress
Do they turn to their devices first when sad or stressed? Are they also able to use other strategies such as talking with friends or family, exercising, or engaging in a meaningful pursuit to help them manage stress?
Exploring their identity and building social connections will involve a lot of stress, failure, disappointment, and even heartbreak. Learning to manage these uncomfortable feelings is an important part of adolescence. Distraction with entertainment can be one way of managing stress and distress. But if it becomes the only way, it can keep teens from getting “back in the game” and experiencing the fun, success, meaning, and joy that are also a big part of this exploration.
Self-care
Getting adequate, restful sleep (8–10 hours a night), finding regular time for exercise (3–5 times a week), developing healthy eating habits, and discovering healthy ways to unwind or relax are critical to a teenager’s healthiest development, and to healthy adult life.
Some screens may help with motivating and tracking exercise, but screens in the bedroom interfere with going to bed and falling and staying asleep. Most teenagers are very busy and managing a lot of (normal) stress; the fun or relaxation that are part of video games or surfing the web are quick, practical, and effective ways to unwind. Don’t discourage your teenager from enjoying them. Instead, focus on also helping them to find other healthy ways to relax, like exercise, time with pets, crafts, reading, and listening to music. As they build their identity, they should also discover how they can slow and calm down.
Finally, be mindful what you model
Many of these principles can apply to our own use of smartphones and other screens. Your teenager will consider and follow your example much more than your commands. Talk about how you are thinking about the rules and expectations that you set, and why you decided on them; model thoughtful and flexible decision-making. Acknowledge that escaping into screen time can be hard to resist, and why it is important to practice resisting some temptations. Consider following the same rules you set for your teenager or making them “family rules.” It’s important for your teenager to learn about how to set these limits, as eventually they will be setting their own.
Ohana offers free workshops and support groups to help families build mental fitness and resilience. Learn more and register.
